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Tips for talking to the teacher about your gifted child
1. Collect evidence or specific examples of what your child does at home - this could be photographs, notes or pictures of things that your child really enjoys doing or is motivated by. Focus on things that are outside the school curriculum but really showcase your child's advanced ability.
For example, when my son was in nursery I brought in a 'ruler ' he had made himself with the numbers up to 20 on it and explained how he used it to measure furniture around the house. The teacher was both amused and interested and understood that this was not typical of most 3 year olds.
2. Avoid quantifying your child's ability or bringing in exercises or tests that prove they are at a particular grade level. Instead highlight your child's talents in terms of enthusiasm and anecdotes. Instead of saying "my child just completed a Year 4 test in maths" try saying 'My child loves doing calculations on the way to school, yesterday he was trying to work out how many minutes in a month' or instead of "my daughter is reading books for 12 year olds" try saying 'my daughter loves reading the Young Elites series, she doesn't want to put it down even at dinner time'
In the past, wishing to be helpful I have brought in test papers my son did at home thinking it would help to the teacher to pitch at the right the level more easily. While the teacher may smile and say thank you, I have found the tests are usually put in a cupboard and returned untouched at the end of the year. Teachers will always insist on finding your child's level themselves.
3. Never use the word 'bored'. Even if your child is bored this word will provoke a bad reaction from the teacher. They will stop listening to you and reel off all the activities that your child struggles with and any fact that your child did not seem know. This is a road to nowhere. Try to think of an example of something your child has enjoyed in school and mention that your child is keen to do more of this. For example 'My son loved it when your asked him to share what he knows about space probes, maybe he could bring a book in to share with you'. If you make a positive comment you can then point out something that was not so good. ' He really wished he could have used hundreds when you were learning how to add 3 numbers'
4. Avoid the blame game. If your child had a 'bad' year last year try not to spend your valuable meeting criticising another teacher. Draw a line under the experience and try to put your trust in the new teacher. Even within the same school teachers have very different views and practices. Give the new teacher a chance without projecting the old teacher's actions or failings on them.
5. Acknowledge your child's shortcomings but do not let this be the main focus for the meeting. It is good for teachers to see that you have realistic view of your child. However if the teacher just focuses on these things and doesn't challenge or allow opportunities for your child to use their areas of strength and learn new things, the child will not be motivated to work on their weaknesses. I still remember one of our first parent meetings when the teacher only spoke about my son's poor social skills and motor skills and explained at length how we should focus on this. It was not a successful year!
6. Avoid suggesting specific solutions, teachers like to feel they are in charge at school and are the one who understands education best (even if you are a teacher yourself). A better strategy is to state your concern and ask the teacher how they think it is best to proceed. You could refer them to another teacher or professional if these people have worked positively with your child in the past. Very often it is best to let the teacher have time to think about things and suggest follow up meeting in a couple of weeks.
7. Keep calm in the meeting, you can always vent later! Getting angry or emotional is never going result in what you want for your child. Teachers will get the wrong impression of you and will be less willing to listen to or consider what you are saying. When they feed back to their line manager, which they will, the focus will be all about your attitude rather than what you actually said or requested. This will also make the teacher (and possibly other teachers) less receptive in future meetings.
8. Keep a neutral tone. This is a tough one as giftness is very emotive if your family is affected by it. It is not a set of theories but you and your child's life that are at stake. I have been on several training courses about gifted children when teachers discuss what may or may not be good for gifted students. They say things with little knowledge of what it really like to parent a gifted child. I feel myself getting emotional inside and wanting to shout 'Don't you care!' or 'Can't you see how important this is'. But for many teachers it is just another 'fad' or drain on their time or something interesting but not that important. Try to be patient and explain your view as clearly as you can.
9. Try to come some sort of agreement even if it is on one small issue or step. The teacher may not be able to take on board everything you would like at once. They may even feel a little overwhelmed or unsure. Your child may be the first gifted child they have been aware of. However if your child responds positively to something the teacher implements, this will lead to more opportunities for your child to be catered for. Keep notes about what was agreed and follow this up at your next meeting.
10. Do go higher if necessary. Teachers are very sensitive to criticism and sometimes misunderstand what we are trying to say. A headteacher or deputy head may be much more willing to listen to your concerns and may be more open minded. It is their job to listen to parents concerns and investigate properly to find out what is actually happening. They may also have more knowledge about giftedness and understand why you are concerned.
Good luck, remember parent teacher meetings can be daunting for teachers too!
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The Problems of Misdiagnosis
A lack of understanding of the full range of characteristics of gifted children (and adults) by parents, professionals and teachers can often lead to the misdiagnosis of learning difficulties. The problem with misdiagnosis is that the 'treatment' or strategies employed are not effective in helping the child and the real reason for the difficulty is ignored. This can often make things worse and lead to frustration and depression.
Many characteristics that are inherent to gifted children can be misinterpreted as a learning difficulties. It is important to realise that many of the 'problems' or behaviours that concern parents and teachers are not actually problems for the child themselves but are the result of unrealistic expectations or a mismatch between the child and the environment they are in. This is probably one of the reasons parents and teachers can often view a child quite differently.
At home the parents often adapt the environment to suit their child. Although they may receive criticism from friends and extended family, in many cases it is simply a case of survival as a family or a parent. For me, my son was like a 'force of nature' from the moment he was born, he was impossible to ignore. He was interested in anything and everything and he never kept still. He also didn't like to sleep. It is exhausting to clash with your child numerous times everyday. And why should we? Our children's demands are normally not 'bad' just 'unusual.' We have our child happiness and well being at heart. So if this means reading two pages of the encyclopedia to your two year old every night, as I did, we will do it. Many parents also recognise themselves in their child and so are more willing to make concessions to aid family harmony.
In school however there is a very different agenda, most schools want children to conform and look for what they consider to be 'good learning behaviours'. Listening to the teacher, sitting still, completing tasks as the teacher asked in a timely fashion, cooperating with their peers are just a few. However most of these simply do not match with a typical gifted profile. Gifted students don't want to listen, they want to find out for themselves or ask the questions. They can struggle to sit still as their active mind demands action. They often have unique ways of viewing things and will often adapt a task to make it more complicated or interesting. They may get distracted by other ideas and not complete the task in time. They may find it hard to work with other children who have such different interests and views.
One the main characteristics of gifted children is their intensity or 'overexcitabilities'. Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dabroswki developed the idea of overexcitabilities as he studied the characteristics of gifted children. He suggested that there are 5 main areas: psychomotor, sensual, intellectual, emotional and imaginational. Most gifted children and adults will have one main area but they may also have multiple intensities. As I discuss these intensities it is easy to see how they can be confused with the characteristics of various learning difficulties.
Many gifted students are hyper aware of their surroundings and can be overly sensitive to sound, light, visuals, touch, smell, taste and textures. This can make the typical classroom environment very distracting. The colours, visuals, sounds and bright lights can feel overwhelming to some children and make it impossible to focus on the task in hand. Even as an adult I find my eye drawn to patterns or bright colours on a display and I get distracted from the conversation I am having. Teachers should consider who the displays are actually for and whether they really enhance the learning experience for children. School uniform can be another distraction, if the fabric or labels 'rub' or irritate. A child may avoid a particular room or area of school because of particular smells. Lunches can also be difficult for some children who are very sensitive to taste and texture. Packed lunches and school dinners are not the same as the food a child has at home. Picky eating can lead to low blood sugar which in turn can lead to distractability or emotional outbursts. Playgrounds can also feel uncomfortable with the noise and constant movement. These sensitivities are often associated with autism and again can lead to a misdiagnosis.
Those children with psychmotor intensities have an intense need to move. They love movement and have endless energy. They will often speak rapidly, fidget and want to take immediate action. The slowness of the classroom and the need to sit and listen to the teacher can be hard to bear. They are excited by learning and just want to get on and do it! This excessive movement and spontaneity can often be mistaken for ADHD as many of the characteristics overlap. Although the cause and solution for gifted students can be quite different. I will discuss this further in a future article.
Some children with intellectual intensity have a mind like pin ball machine where they are being constantly bombarded with different thoughts and ideas. Sometimes this is referred to as a 'rainforest mind' and there are useful websites that discuss this further. It can be very hard for children to filter and prioritise these thoughts making it hard to focus in class. Particularly if work in class is very routine and unchallenging. Students may want to act on their own ideas or may be intellectually excited by a new idea, causing excessive movement. Again the student can seem distracted and too active, leading to suggestions of ADHD. The child's area or areas of intellectual passion may not relate to the school curriculum at all and may not even be discussed or acknowledged within the school context. This very hard for a child who is literally bursting to share their new found knowledge. When my son was in Nursery school he avidly watched 'Time Team' and would pretend to find Roman artefacts in the garden. One morning he asked me if the Egyptians had hypocausts like the Romans. But at school he was supposed to colour pictures and pretend to be an aeroplane with the other boys. Even as a Primary school teacher I was not prepared for the stark mismatch between what he did at home and what he was allowed to do at school. Many schools and teachers are equally unprepared for children with intellectual intensities.
There are no easy solutions for the mismatch between home and school. An honest and open dialogue is the best place to start. Many teachers have not had adequate training in giftedness to realise a child who is not conforming may be gifted rather than 'difficult'. In my next article I will talk about how to approach a school and talk to teachers about your gifted child.
www.verywell.com and www.rainforestmind.com have a wealth of useful advice and articles
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Check out Crushing Tall Poppies by Celi Trépanier, it is full of useful articles from a parent and gifted child perspective. It will help you feel like you are not alone....
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